| Nov. 5th, 2003 @ 08:08 pm Stuff |
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Well, life has been taking many different turns. Sometimes I feel like I piss everyone off, but then at the same time I know sometimes there is little or no choice. For example my band situation. I ditched and pissed off two old friends of mine when I left their band to join another. Troy and Julio probably never want to see my face again. The irony of this all, is that I ended up leaving the new band too! There is, of course, a silver lining. Myself and one of the guitarists left together to form our own project. We've recruited Soley as a vocalist and Adam as a bassist. I suppose in that area all is not lost.
What else... Oh yeah, Rae. I know, I must seem so cold hearted. Some people see this as what she deserves, other tell me I should just give her another chance. Well, despite what some people might percieve, I am niether cold nor heartless. I did love Rae, with all of my heart. I loved her more than anything in my life. I did everything I could to make her happy, and her happiness was my highest priority. Unfortunately, she violated my trust. I know, people have been saying to me, "Didn't you guys go thru alot already? I don't believe your going to be apart that long. Whats different this time?" Well, whats different? She *never* violated my trust before. I repeat, never. I always had complete and total faith in her throughout the entirety of the relationship. The events that unfolded that fateful Saturday, however, totally changed that. Yes, it might be rash of me to immediately assume anything was going on between her and anyone, during or after our relationship. This however, is besides the point. She ditched me that night. She totally abandoned me. She went for a walk with some guy who was a complete stranger. In itself, is this bad? Not necessarily. However, when I had left for 20 minutes, she knew exactly where I was. I came back, and she was GONE. I call her cell, and shes walking with "someone." Whatever. You know, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together. Maybie I'm wrong, but thats besides the point. When she came back, she said she had to talk to me. I said, whats up honey? I KNEW what was coming. I felt it. I sensed it on her. She dumps me right there. She gives me a lecture on how I made her feel insignificant, like a molecule, like a puppet. She told me I loved my music more than her. She dumped me, left with that guy, and left me feeling like total and complete shit.
Nothing. Nothing can undo that. Nothing.
I'm sorry Rae. After that speech you gave me, how could I EVER believe you love me? How could I go back to you, back to a relationship where I can't even trust your fickle moods? I would be insane. Rae, I still have feelings for you, but those feelings are overwhelmed by what happened. I almost feel like you only loved the way I treated you. You only loved the attention, not me. It seemed at the time like you had found someone to give you more attention: a nice, gothic guy. It felt like the entire time I was nothing but a stepping stone. It felt like you used me to get over your past until you found someone better.
You say you loved me and were happy with me. Why then did you have a gothic personals ad the entire time that said no one loved you? Why did you make yourself seem single to the world? Why did it take you 6 months to upgrade me from "friend" to "special" on your buddy list? Why were there 2 "special" people on that list? Theres so many holes, so many questions. So many things that just seemed wierd. I never brought up the gothic personals thing because I trusted you. I knew about it the entire time, thanks to a friend of mine. I even made an account on there just to check on it now and then. The one time I did bring it up, you said it was old and didnt matter. Then why is it the day I asked you that, it was updated the day before?
Rae, it can't work. It wont work. You dont love me. You love the attention. That guy friend off the internet wasn't interested in you, and now your alone. Now you feel like you'll never find love again. Rae, everything will be fine in the future. I dont have any ill-will towards you; I only wish the best for you. I just can't really see myself dating you ever again. Theres too many issues, too many secrets. Too many lies. I feel like the entire relationship might have been a lie. Thats what hurts the most... I loved you Rae, I really did. I'm sorry I've been such a cold-hearted asshole to you. I just can't do it. I can't go back to you. There isn't anyone else right now in my life, I promise you that. I spend my free time with friends. Good friends whom I neglected because it pleased YOU. I feel like shit for neglecting them too this entire time. You know what tho? Even despite the way I blew them off, they are still good friends of mine. I know that Dan and Julia will always be good friends, despite all your ill words.
I guess I'll leave this off with:
Never live life for the fruit of your actions, but live for the action itself. Do things because you enjoy them, not because you want something. Treat someone lovingly because you love them, not because you want something from them. Life is not about what you get from it, but how you live it. Happiness and unhappiness are all perception. You can't always be happy, but at least you can understand why your unhappy and feel a little better. |
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